goodbye

well, i am starting this blog because i realized that i need an outlet for work. it's not healthy to keep things inside.

today was the first time i had a patient that was pronounced brain dead on my shift. he was 3 years old and beautiful. other than his ventilator and many tubes, you would've never known he had a life threatening condition that took his life. he had no manifestations of his brain tumor, and his condition deteriorated very rapidly within the past 3 days, especially at the beginning of my shift this morning. it was an emotional rollercoaster talking to his mom and dad, answering their questions, getting supplies for the docs, witnessing multiple neurological tests that determined his brain death, not to mention keeping up with labs, his drips, meds, hourly vitals and charting. the clencher for me was when his 6 year old sister came in to see him for the last time. after she left, his mom and i agreed that she didn't realize the gravity of the situation. he's not going home with her today. she won't hear his voice again. no more playtime. no more snacktime together. why God allows such pain is beyond me. as i look back on this day, i remember driving to work and praying that God would help me to be a compassionate, caring, patient, and skillful nurse today. He answered all those prayers, but not in the way i expected. perhaps He lead me to my patient today so i could lay hands and pray for his mom and dad as they spoke to doc after doc about his grave situation? i am thankful that i was able to pray for them throughout the day. i was stretched physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally today during my 13 or so hour shift. when i came home i gave my husband big hug and stayed in his arms for awhile, thankful for another day God has given me and the ones i love. goodbye sweet boy, see you in heaven one day.